Kuba sengathi nguwe wedwa oququdwa umzwangedwa
USolwazi uZ.L.M. Khumalo uyiNhloko Yezilimi Zase-Afrika e-University of Zululand. Uyilungu…
Uma ukhungethwe okukukhungethe namehlo kuba sengathi afinyele
Umuntu ngokumilwa yinsumpa ekhaleni uye aphatheke kabi ecabanga sengathi nguyena yedwa onalo mhlolo. Uyaye ecabange sengathi izwe lonke lithe nje njo kuyena kanti phinde, akunjalo; yilowo nalowo uxakwe wutwayi lwakhe.
Umuntu onale nkinga engenkinga uyaye umthole njalo ezibuka, eyicumbacumbaza, ayibhucubhucunge sakufuna ikhambi lokuyigudluza. Uma njalo ungamtholi eyicwecwacwecwa ngensingo ize ichince igazi, uyomthola eseyinameke ngayinameke ngakho. Kancane kancane, isandla sesedlula ngakhona, siyozwa ukuthi sisekhona lesi silingo somfazi wesibili. Umthole ethe nje phuhle, umbone ukuthi uyabalisa ngaphakathi. Angenza nanoma yini othi akayenze uma nje kuyikhambi elingagcina lisuse le nduna emkhetha kwabaningi. Ngisho elesaba kanjani izulu, uqoma ukubhekana nalo, lona liza nombani, yena ephethe nje umshanelo wokuyiphebeza. Liyonele lithi nje bani, athi shangushangu ngomshanelo enduneni, kodwa nansi, ayithi gudlu. Uzenyeza ngesabelo sakhe ngoba ethi yini yena aphiwe esehlukile kwezabanye? Uma, usamukele, akusiwe wedwa; bakhona nabanye.
Kubuhlungu ngoba uma usakhungethwe ngokukukhungethe, namehlo kuyaye kube sengathi afinyele, afinyezwa ukubona kodwa ebe ebona. Ungaze uze ubalise emhlabeni, uqalekise, ukhese, uqanganise ngoba uthi nje nguwe wedwa okulolo lusizi. Nanku umsebenzi, uma sekuthiwa usuwuntulile wancama, uyaye ubone sengathi nguwe wedwa owuntulayo. Ubona sengathi nguwe nje onesitokwe sokuvuka njalo ekuseni uyofesa, lize lishone kuse. Nasebusuku kuze kuse ungakaze ubuthi quthu ubuthongo, uqwashile, uthatha ubeka; uthole ukuthi awufiki ndawo. Awazi ukuthi uzophuma ngamuphi umzila ekuthatheni kokusa.
Ngisho sekusa, ngisho usuphuma, ubone sengathi kubo bonke laba bantu abagcwele imizila nguwe wedwa odliwa yilo mdlavuza. Ubone sengathi wonke la mehlo abantu abuka wena wedwa zwi kubo bonke laba bantu ohamba nabo, kanti phinde. Yilowo nalowo uqhuthulula ezakhe izintwala, ezingefane nezabanye nezakho.
Ngisho sekuthiwa nifesile-ke lapho ufese khona, niyaye nibone sengathi yini nodwa nje abafesile. Nibona sengathi yini nodwa nje lapha abahluphekile nabadingile kanti bagcwele onke amahhovisi emisebenzi, bagcwele onke amasango ezimboni nezinkampani, bagcwele zonke izinkantolo zomantshi, bonke babheke imbeko. Bonke babheke ukubizwa. Ubathola sebeze bashintsha ngisho umbala, sebephaphatheke bemthunqu. Babodwa abazilibazisa ngokudlala umlabalaba, babodwa abaxoxaxoxayo, babodwa abakhedamisile usizi lubhalwe ebusweni, babodwa abalele ja ngenxa yalo njalo usizi nomphangazane, bangamaqoqwane ngamaqoqwana. Ngisho sekuqhamuka ozoqasha, uyobabona bethi bhu-, wena owabona izinkukhu ziphiwa ukudla noma zibona uheshane. “Bayothathwa Nkosi yami ngapha nangapha kwami, ngisale ngivele. Ngibone sengathi yimi ngedwa engingaqashwanga kodwa sibe sibaningi saliwe emakethe.”
Ngisho sekuthiwa uwutholile, akukho okubuhlungu njengokuthi uthi uphakathi emsebenzini kodwa uphefumule ngamanxeba, udle ngamapayipi. Uthole ukuthi unyamanambana nje kozakwenu noma kumphathi. Akuqhubukushe nje. Akukhiphe inyumbazane nje. Ubathe yini yini, aphume nawe iqhubu nje abe nawe shaqa. Isikhathi esiningi ubonge limlahlile uMlungu, kuthi-ke dwe. Ukukhala kwezinkukhu kube sengathi sekumemeza yena, ubikelwe ukuba ungaze uncamele ukuwulaxaza umsebenzi ngoba nje ubona sengathi nguwe wedwa ophekwe ngobhojwana. Akunjalo. Wonke umhlaba yiso leso. Gwinya itshe, konke kuyedlula; okungedluli kusuke sekuhlola. Kokunye njalo uyaphekwa. Vuthwa. Wena uyobe ulokhu ukhala, ukhala, kanti uvivinyelwa ikusasa. Ukushisa kwayo namuhla insimbi akusho ukuthi nangomuso iyobe isashisa bhe, ibambe injalo.
Khona njalo emsebenzini, ngoba sengathi zimbiwe yinsele yazishiya, sengathi zmmgi ziyenzeke mihla yonke. Nithi nisasebenza kukuhle kudelile, konke kuhamba kahle, niyezwa sekuyadilizwa. Diliziyane wena. Nomunye nomunye owehlelwe yilowo mshophi, emqondweni wakhe kubusa ukuthi nguyena yedwa ovelelwe yishwa kubo bonke emsebenzini. Ngisho ebalisa, umuzwa ethi: “Kusale sekuphuma ngami pho?” Kanti cha, nibaningi, kepha umuntu usuke agxile otavataveni lwezintwala zakhe. Umuntu ukhala kanjena ngisho kuthiwa akudiliziwe kepha uvaliwe waphela nje umsebenzi. Uthi azi kahle ukuthi kuvalwe imboni noma imayini, ebe ebalisa sengathi nguyena yedwa obe kulelo lifu elimnyama. Azi kahle kamhlophe ukuthi wonke ukhukhulelangoqo usosizini olufuze olwakhe kodwa inhliziyo nomqondo awuze ungavuma, uchumisa nje ukuthi nguyena yedwa.
Ukudliwa ngumzwayedwa okufuze lokhu kungenxa yokuthi umuntu nomuntu usuke azi okumlinde nokumlandela ngemuva. Ukhala ebalisa nje, akazibaliseli yena siqu sakhe, kepha yimuva alibeka phambili. Uyazi ukuthi lokho kusho ukuthini kuyena nakulona. Yena siqu sakhe uyazi ukuthi angalala avuke ngendlu yengwenya kepha kukhona abangeke balunge. Abantu abadala, unina wezingane, Izingane ngeke zama zimelane nomashayandawonye. Yikho lokhu oze uthole kwamfazi esenyembezana, ezibuka ebuka abantwabakhe. Ubona abantabakhe abakhalayo, abamlomo imhlophe hhu, izisu zimantansolo, abone sengathi nguyena yedwa okhungethwe yilolu sizi, okhungethwe yindlala. Kepha iqiniso lithi lonke izwe uyobathola nomunye ebika okwakhe ayecabanga ukuthi kudla yena yedwa, kanti cha, baningi. Nikuthola lokhu uma nithuke naxoxa, nomunye ethuke ethi: “Hhawu! Nawe?” Nomunye athi: ‘’Yebo! Nawe u … ?”
Wusizi lolu olungadingi nolungenasibusiso uma luzogcina lukuququda nawe ungufela phakathi. Umuntu kuyamenza ukuthi athi ngokubona ukuthi lokhu kwenza noma kwehlela yena zwi, agcine esezilahle ngecala. Ugcina esenze okukhulu ngoba ethi uziphephisa kulo mchilo wesidwaba. Kwalani ukuba avele aduke nezwe? Kwalani ukuba avele adle izidakamizwa? Kwalani ukuba avele aziphonse emotweni? Kwalani ukuba avele athathe intambo azilengise? Kwalani ukuba avele aziqulele ngophalafini, azishise? Kanti nje udliwa ngumdlavuza womzwangedwa, yena azi ukuthi udikadika yena nje zwi umhlaba ungangoba ungaka. Akunjalo. Xoxa. Phefumula okukudlayo kwabanye, hleze ulivuse ikhambi owawungakaze ulicabange. Ubugwala obuphindiwe ukuxazulula ingqinamba ngokuzibulala. Sukuma, uqine uyindoda ubhekane nendaba. Ungaphiki ngokuthi indoda idla imihlathi, zophela ngaphakathi; phefumula, ingani ithungelwa ebandla?
Isimo esifuze lesi ngesasemakhaya kwakhiwe, kanti akwakhiwe kuphela nje kugotshwe amadlangala. Uyawazi wona amadlangala? Amadokodo. Wona madokodo lawo uyawazi? Indlu kathekwane nezinqotho. Uthole ukuthi umndeni ngamanhlembenhlembe, kukwamdonsiswane. Ngumakoti udonsa ubhekisa lena ngoba ethi ukhishwa inyumbazane lapha ekhaya. Ngumyeni naye udonsa ubhekisa lena ngoba ethi nguyena indoda, ngeke ashayelwa umthetho ngumfazi, athi akehlukane, alahle unina. Sivele sibondwe sishiywe iphini. Noninazala ubona sengathi nguye yedwa okhungethwe yilolu khuvethe lotwayi.
Omasibanibani bazihlalele kahle namadodana nabalokazane babo. Ukuba isalukazi singaze sincamele ukuyophephela ekhaya labadala kepha inhliziyo ibe isele emuva ngoba abathandi ukwehlukana nemizi yabo, ikakhulukazi uma sebekhulile. Kepha okukhulu kakhulu ukuthula, ukukhululeka nokunonophala emoyeni. Lokho kukodwa kuyawunonophalisa nomzimba osumxhilibana, osungubo ziya eweni. Uphuma eshiya umuzi wakhe nje ngoba ebona sengathi nguye yedwa ositshekelwe yilolu sizi, kanti qha. Umuntu aze afe ebalisa, sibhibha lesi silonda.
Kwalani ukuthi kugcine kuchitheke umshado? Ngakho nje lokhu ukuthi umuntu abone sengathi nguyena yedwa okule nhlupheko. Ziyagqabuka gqunsu izibopho, kugqabuke igoda kuphele ngeswayi. Uma nje indoda ibuswa ukuthi yiyo yodwa esha kulo mlilo, kuyoba nini isha kuwona? Nomfazi ngakolunye uhlangathi kuyiso leso, nomunye nomunye ubona singasekho isixazululo ngaphandle kokuba ziwalaxaze amajoka. Kokunye njalo uthole ukuthi ngoyedwa kubo ozithola ekule nkinga, aqome ukushiya phansi ngisho esekhuzwa, eboniswa, kepha abuswe nje ukuthi usafuna ukuyoshaywa umoya, aphume eGibhide. Uyophuma ngempela kanti uyozifaka kwelikhulu, abone emva kwendaba ukuthi kanti ngangithi ngiyahlupheka kanti ngangihubhuza akabhejane; kutholakale ukuthi akusekho ukuhlehla.
Kwandoda ingaze ize ifinyelele kulolu khalo uma yazi ukuthi izosha imini yonke emsebenzini, ntambana iyosha ekhaya. Indoda ibikelwe uma isizoshayisa, ize incamele ukulala emsebenzini. Ize ibike ukuthi iyadonsa i-ova noma kukhona ongekho, noma ilinde emgqeni, ngakho ayikwazi ukubuya. Le ndoda iyaye icinge sengathi yiyo yodwa eyaba nenhlanhla yokusha esihogweni isesemhlabeni. Ingani iyamazi usathane onezimpondo nomsila ngo si? Ithi ngoba isihlupheke kakhulu ngaleyo ndlela, iqome ukuwanqamula amaxhama okuxhumana.
- Lombhalo ucashunwe ebhukwini likaSolwazi uKhumalo ‘Inyoni kayiphumuli (1996)